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so i’m pretty sure dean somehow figured out how to connect his feelings to his mouth at some point
because he just called kevin family without anybody being about to die (any more so than usual) and he didn’t even look like he’d been stabbed in the gut or anything
he just looked
i don’t know
a little maudlin
it was like a toned down version of his “sammy/cas don’t leave me even though that’s all i deserve because i’m worthless ever since i went to hell” look
speaking of which
he might have also grown a self esteem part
like i think he gets the sense that
and he’s much more cool with other people doing their thing
"cas is a big boy"
and that talk at the end with sam
about how that was then and this is now
and i know that’s not that unusual when it’s sam
have you grown as a person?
so i haven’t really read any cockles, BUT IF I WERE TO START DOING SO, i would maybe potentially want to see a fic that takes into account some of jensen’s, ah, less than supportive statements about slash/destiel. (hey look i just slashed slash! it’s so recursive!) like jensen is like “MISHA YOU’RE RUINING MY LIFE ALL THESE CRAZY GAY SEX OBSESSED FANGIRLS AND YOU’RE JUST, YOU’RE JUST FEEDING THE FRENZY!" and misha’s like "aw honey, it’s okay, i know you love me"
and then somehow we work in the fact that misha’s wife wrote a book about threesomes and open relationships which probs/maybe means that misha’s allowed to have sex with other people as long as his wife knows about it? and when jensen broaches the subject with danneel she’s like “no actually i have been fantasizing about this for months no lie, just tell me about it when you get back baby”
and then they do the sex
because that is how all plots go in my head: people talk and do stuff and then my ship does the sex. taken as a given: funny times, awkward times, slow-build sexual tension, lots of emotional constipation, and potentially some manly feelings.
and also there is no cheating in my head because it bothers me to contemplate, generally, especially in rpf which i guess is because it’s sort of about real people although not really and i don’t actually know them but i assume that i can’t assume too much about their lives and i don’t like treating female significant others as obstacles to the good fun sexy times.
that goes for you too, uhura bashers. uhura is a bamf and t’pring is probably way more complicated than you think. don’t let the implied misogyny of either the source material or dudeslash culture prevent you from respecting the ladies! and also if you could not always genderflip princess bubblegum and marceline the vampire queen i have a friend who would be eternally thankful.
one more thing. does it ever bother you, fellow slashers, when allllllllllll the endgame couples in a fic are gay? i mean it kind of pokes my suspension of disbelief because not only do straight couples form most of the couples in the world, they form almost all, like even more so, couples in the source material for fandom as well. like i’m not saying it bothers me on a social justice level or a politeness level like the preceding concerns, but i just don’t have like a requirement that all the endgame ships be queer like i do for my main ship. and that’s only a requirement because i have no idea why but it’s not political. or polite. it’s just what i like. (seriously, the only ship i ship that’s not gay is claritin, and claire is trans, so i feel that says a lot about my PERMANENTLY AFFIXED SLASH GOGGLES.) also maybe i feel like it delegitimizes my canon readings of say dean as bisexual to include say sabriel in a fic? i see very little evidence of sam being attracted to dudes or to people who look like the normative idea of dudes (eg angels in male vessels) but plenty of evidence that he’d be okay with it if he were (and would probably argue with dean about it at some point if he were). i haven’t really figured out what i think about this yet but it might not be important.
"I really don’t think it’s internalized prejudice though"
God I don’t even want to talk about gender
and sexuality when I write I just want
to write about the underlying problems of
living circumstantial things are a whole other
register like can I even write about inserting
a tampon or sucking dick without it becoming
whiny or self-indulgent?
I do both things, and soon hormone injections
will join them on my list of ordinary human
being special spectrum snowflake activities.
And eventually I’ll stop inserting tampons.
Because I won’t have periods. I won’t bleed
out of an orifice for a few days each month.
I won’t menstruate anymore. Good. Phew.
TO DO (this month):
TO DO (next month):
It’s just that—that’s my everyday. My ordinary.
My typical. It’s not profound or anything.
Suffering’s profound, sometimes –
in its essence though not its specifics, not when
the specifics are “I can’t write an essay and be
happy at the same time” or “I stayed up all
night watching The Crying Game again and
again and picking all of the scabs on my body
because I didn’t want to think about my actual
I could talk specifics.
I could say:
the pharmacist called me by my birth name
about eight times while we were discussing
my testosterone prescription and I don’t know
if it was because he was bigoted or just clueless
I could say:
I can’t be late for work anymore ever
because all I have left is a final warning
and then termination and if I lose this job
I’m not sure I can recover (I probably can)
I could say:
oh God how am I going to move out of my
parents’ house when I make so little and
get so few hours and job applications are
just about as miserable as essays
But it just comes off as whiny without some
I’d rather write that ice was once water
and maybe sometimes even air and draw
an oblique reference to the fleetingness
of any particular mental state than write
about my boring personal issues. So,
I’m probably not going to be the next
Great Queer Poet.
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