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The life that I have is all that I have

I am: Oliver

I am: "My thoughts are stars I can't fathom into constellations." (John Green, TFIOS)

I am: Currently struggling to function as an adult.

Blog: fandom, funny, poetry, sad, sometimes feminist/queer/anti-racist/social justice, tl;dr, tmi, porn.

Right now: I like dogs, Bucky Barnes, and my political affiliation is compassion.
Oct 19 '14

Oh my god I am so frustrated

I read a fic not that long ago, with Steve and Bucky traveling all around Europe tracking down Hydra, and there were flashbacks to Bucky’s brainwashing, and a woman whose name was possibly Astrid, and she was repeating things like “The asset does not want” etc over and over until he said them back, and his breaking point came when they told him Steve had died in that plane, and OH MY GOD I CAN’T FIND IT ANYWHERE

I don’t know how to search for it! I know that at some point Bucky and Clint are perched up in the rafters of some house while Steve and other Avenger/SHIELD people talk in the room below, and Clint tells Bucky a story about a naïve man who was sent to kill an assassin, only she turned out to be a “beautiful, flame-haired princess” and the thing that made him hold his fire was that he noticed she wouldn’t look him in the eye. And he punched Bucky for hurting Natasha, but it was mostly just a beautiful moment because Clint gets the whole “mind-controlled and forced to hurt the ones you love” thing.


Oct 11 '14


I am trying to think of more words to say but that’s all I got right now

…on a scale of 1 to “ellen page coming out on valentine’s day” this is “heavenly wine and roses seem to whisper to her when he smiles”

I think I need to make a playlist for this. Baby’s First Fanmix? It needs “Sweet Jane” obv but prob also “The Girl From Ipanema” and “Kick Drum Heart” maybe “I Should’ve Realized” as well or perhaps “I Feel Fine” instead

"Tupelo Honey"??

More thought required

I retire now in joy to sleep

Oct 10 '14




Oh she is wonderful.

(Source: face--the--strange)

Oct 10 '14
Oct 8 '14

requested by anonymous (x)


hi i’m just here to be mean

(if you really don’t like snakes, don’t scroll down, but, there’s some snakes up there in those gifs, so)












snakes are friends not fangs




just a lively noodle




tickly tongues for tickly kisses




not a devil spawn but devilishly cute




source: explodinghye’s tumblr

Oct 7 '14

ohgeelato asked:

all your Captain America posts are making me very emotional and I just want to curl into a little ball and cry now.


I have spent every day since I was fourteen—so like, nine years—wishing that I had someone who wanted me to grip their hands and Explain To Them Why Steve Rogers Is Great.

Try to imagine how gratifying Tumblr is for me right now.

hi we are basically the same age hi (i am 24)

would you like further validation, i bet you would, here:

when you were fourteen (and i was 15, i am guessing) and also almost every year between then and now i would not have listened (no hear me out)

i’ve read your meta and other people’s meta about grimdark being lazy and lawful good characters being really difficult and i’m pretty sure that’s always resonated with me, especially from ages 0 - 13

(favorite character from star wars as a kid: luke; favorite characters from harry potter: harry and dumbledore until i was capable of enough critical detachment to figure out how basically no one in that universe is without glaring blind spots; favorite characters from the lord of the rings: samwise and tom bombadil, until the movies because i really disliked sean astin’s acting and also the script’s interpretation of sam and it kind of ruined a wonderful character for me D:<)

but when i got into high school i was finally introduced to the appeal of the Morally Ambiguous Character, especially in the form of the Speaker of Uncomfortable Truths, and also Redemption Plot Arc Guy

and it really started a shift for me, because a lot of the white hat characters, i was coming to realize, were blinded by their prejudices, judgments, comfortable assumptions, and various privileges (whiteness maleness affluence straightness chosenness etc) and the writers, frequently, were likewise blinded and that didn’t sit right with me, so Morally Ambiguous Characters were becoming really necessary for me to enjoy something

(also typical teen angst)

(also spike the vampire and severus snape are just actually self-evidently compelling imo, although not without major flaws - but: Morally Ambiguous! so obviously)

i was really sick of lawful good and lawful-good-adjacent characters being handled poorly by the writers

(and i still have yet to find a superman i like, which i notice is not a problem you have, so i’d be open to your recommendations, but i’m still extremely suspicious of supposedly Good and Pure characters these days)

even after i saw ca:tfa (which was definitely after i saw avengers, and definitely on a laptop) i was not hugely impressed? probably because of the very potent cocktail of: lingering prejudices about lawful good types, ugh america (i get it, now, that this was missing the point), and oh look another white dude saves everyone

plus (unpopular opinion) chris evans’ acting can come off as kind of bland - i mean, i tentatively think, at this point, that he’s just subtle? but it wasn’t obvious to me in ca:tfa that he was doing anything much in terms of owning the part. um, in retrospect i think it fits though?

and then this year i saw the winter soldier and it became something like the … fifth? really? only the fifth? maybe the tenth or something if you count the fandoms i’ve drifted away from … major fandom to eat my brain.

the steve rogers love was not immediate. actually, i did not even love the movie itself right away. i had a good time, but i kind of went to see it as a compromise because i wanted to hang out with my good friend and we like a lot of the same things but to very different degrees (like, we also went to see 12 years a slave, which i thought was really good, and he thought so too but also said he never wanted to see it again because auugh horrifying).

and then i hung out on tumblr too much and proceeded to be blindsided by feelings, and even then i kind of dragged my feet because ugh, really, captain america? really? and i pretended i was only interested in bucky, or steve-and-bucky, or steve/bucky, or sam wilson, or natasha, or the social/political commentary, or sebastian stan’s goddamn bucky-looking-lost-and-sad face

but you and your fourteen-year-old self are totally right, and steve rogers is fab, and ca:tws was handled extremely well

(and now i’m just hoping, probably in vain, that they don’t screw it up in the next few movies)

the end, by the way, i’m probably going to steal your steve rogers tag, thanks :)

Oct 7 '14


what if cap met supes

meanwhile, somewhere else:
batman: you can not imagine the tragedy which has shaped me

reblogging for the batman-bucky thing because i hate batman a lot



what if cap met supes

meanwhile, somewhere else:

batman: you can not imagine the tragedy which has shaped me


reblogging for the batman-bucky thing because i hate batman a lot

Oct 7 '14

Anonymous asked:

I read your Winter Soldier analysis, and I have a question : you say that "There’s a reason his code name is drawn from an investigation into one of the ugliest chapters of American history." Please help a non-American understand what you meant? I mean I obviously see the Cold War reference in the movie, but from what you've written it seems like something more subtle *within* the Cold War... shit, I mean just "Cold War" seems too evident and I can't find the deeper meaning?



Oh gosh, don’t feel bad, there are plenty of Americans who have never even heard of this.

The Winter Soldier Investigation was a 1971 veteran-organized media event intended to draw attention to the war crimes that had taken place in Vietnam. Directly inspired by the exposure of the My Lai Massacre (the mass murder of over five hundred unarmed civilians by American troops) in 1969, Vietnam Veterans Against the War (VVAW) brought together discharged servicemen from every branch of the military to discuss the atrocities they had seen and committed during their time in the war. They hoped bring these tragedies before the public eye, and to prove that American military policies led directly to the death and torment of civilians. Eventually a transcript from this conference made its way before the Senate Foreign Relations Committee during the Fullbright Hearings.  

When Ed Brubaker, the author who wrote the original Winter Soldier arc, chose the name, he wanted something that would call up both cold Siberian winters and the atrocities of war. This fit the bill.

But the term itself, the idea of “winter soldiers”, was coined by VVAW as a response to the writings of Thomas Paine, who described the men who deserted at Valley Forge during the American Revolution:

These are the times that try men’s souls. The summer soldier and the sunshine patriot will, in this crisis, shrink from the service of their country, but he that stands by it now, deserves the love and thanks of man and woman.

A winter soldier is someone who will warm their hands over a meager fire and weather the cold. Someone who refuses to abandon their country and its potential, no matter what the personal cost.

So how’s that for a weird little twist? According to Thomas Paine—activist, political philosopher, and revolutionary—the real winter soldier is Captain America.

#plant yourself like a tree beside the river of truth

i give up

i give up

this is my life now

so many messy tears





(okay i always lose my tags if there are too many so here. cue rambling.)

Read More

Oct 7 '14

in which i realize that i don’t talk to my family enough

fact: my great grandmother (mother of my mother’s mother) is still alive

fact: my great grandfather, her husband, fought in wwii

fact: i have a lot of trouble remembering my family’s birthdays and birth years, unless they’re my parents, my biological parents, but including my stepmom and stepdad and most relevantly to this post, my great grandmother

fact: my great grandmother and my great grandfather got married during wwii, which i know because it was this romantic, extremely tropey/archetypal story where she met him (on leave?) and they, what would they have called it, dated? courted? for what seems nowadays like a ridiculously short time and then got married and then he went back to war

fact: she was 18 or 19 at the time because she wasn’t younger than 17 but she had her first child (gramma, not shiftless uncle alan, okay that’s unkind and actually i think he’s kind of a riot but he was definitely a square peg in school and never got on well with authority and i’m a little irritated at him on my great grandmother’s behalf because he’s basically mooching off her shamelessly and i mean he’s a grown man, an old man even, and that’s ridiculous and she doesn’t need that, jeez) 9 months after the wedding, and she was 18 or 19 when that happened

fact: this post has tangents

fact: the reason i am listing facts is because i have been trying to determine how old my great grandmother is in comparison to steve rogers because i think she was born no earlier than 1925 because i’m pretty sure she’s not 90 yet but she might be 89 but then again i feel like i heard she was born in 1929 but that’s way too late to have been 18 during the war

fact: not all sources agree on when steve rogers was born - wikipedia says “in the 1920s”; says “July 4, 1920" which would make him 94 now and probably 5 to … 7? … years older than my great grandmother, unless she was born in 1922, which is the earliest possible date i think because that would’ve made her 19 at the start of the war, so then steve would be 2 years older; says "July 4, 1918" which would make steve 4 to 9 years older, but probably more like 7; 1918 makes sense with the mcu (which: duh, the website specifically mentions the movies) because he says he’s 96 in winter solder and i’m pretty sure he or someone else talks about him being 95 in avengers

imaginary hypothetical fictional scenario: gammy existed in the same universe as steve rogers, was 2 to 9 years younger (probably 7 years younger though) than him, and most likely never met him ever or was even in the same general area as him because she grew up in arkansas and he grew up in brooklyn. although, she did meet gampy in washington dc, and who knows, he might’ve been there at some point during the war. is there any unaccounted for time period before The Big Sleep where he could’ve been in dc? i’m talking about mcu in this case i guess. and, from my fairly-recent-but-hey-i-was-paying-attention-to-the-story-not-the-dates-and-locations memory of first avenger, he never went to dc, at least not in ‘41 or later, and he probably also never went to arkansas in the vaguely referenced time before that because he was poor and probably didn’t go on road trips, you know? so in this scenario it still doesn’t really make a huge difference in my great grandmother’s life other than she maybe heard about him fighting the good fight or doing those … war bond things … hey, she might’ve seen him at one of those! he was almost definitely in dc at some point during that tour. she totally could’ve seen one of his shows! and been an extremely insignificant but nevertheless present encounter in his life, even as just one face in a sea of faces in an auditorium during a performance he was either phoning in or completely embarrassed by or both. still! in this fictional universe there is a neither small nor large chance that my great grandmother met or saw steve rogers this one time. which. i don’t know. i think it’s cool.

in conclusion: i should probably take more of an interest in my family’s lives regardless of hypothetical fictional scenarios where they could’ve met a character i like, and especially gammy because she lived in History Times and probably doesn’t get a chance to reminisce all that often and it sounds like it could be really fascinating.

also here, here is a fic, seeing as you read or at least scrolled down through all of that inanity: Geriatric Road Trip, 2015

(it’s a good story. there are old people, and they are by turns hilarious, racist, frustrating, and endearing. also the main character is an original character of mixed racial descent, and has his own life problems that have zero relevance to superheroes or secret amnesiac assassins with ridiculously high tech prosthetics. i really liked that about it. and sam wilson makes a brief appearance. steve rogers makes a slightly less brief appearance. james buchanan “bucky” barnes, or whoever he is after the events of winter soldier depending on each fic, all of which will most likely be jossed in the next mcu film, makes an appearance that is briefer than steve’s but less brief than sam’s, and yet is an undeniable presence throughout the majority of the fic, and it’s beautiful. go read it now, it’s about 4 and a half thousand words, not that much of a commitment, it’s not like i’m reccing a series or some giant 145k monstrosity like The Student Prince although seriously even if you have seen zero episodes of merlin - like me - you should read that too, it’s great, so i guess actually i am reccing that shhhhh but also it’s nonessential and completely unrelated to the topic at hand, which is that i am completely over-invested in this whole steve rogers-and-bucky-barnes-and-company situation and i don’t talk to my family enough.)

Oct 6 '14

things that hurt my heart because i’m pathetically over-involved with fictional characters: an incomplete list

- steve rogers/sam wilson
- steve rogers/natasha
- bucky barnes/natasha
- any pairing that conflicts with steve/bucky in any way
- including ot3s, etc
- frequently also steve/bucky stories (or art, or headcanons, or gifs…) if they’re painful enough, which is basically always
- meta about homo-/queerphobia in the thirties and forties
- adorable steve/bucky (or just steve & bucky) stories from before the war, or before the train, when i realize what’s ahead for the two of them
- countless similar things in other fandoms

Oct 6 '14

You’re going to hear the question “What’s your greatest weakness?” on a job interview before long, if you haven’t already.

It’s an unspeakably rude question for one person to ask another. We don’t hear the impoliteness in this question on a job interview, because we’ve been trained to think it’s normal for recruiters and hiring managers to ask job-seekers very personal things.

You can be human on a job interview. You don’t have to give the standard answers to lame and insulting job-interview questions like the chestnut “What’s your greatest weakness?”

The interviewer in front of you or on the phone is not your therapist or your lover. They have no right to know your inner feelings. We’ve gotten used to this horrifying job interview question and so it sounds normal to our ears. It’s actually arrogant and stupid. It doesn’t help anyone make better hires, although many managers who are under evil spells themselves would swear that it does. No doubt, asking the “weakness” question and hearing people grovel may improve a mojo-less manager’s day, but that is not the same as an adult business process.

Everyone who has ever read an article about job interviewing knows how to put forward a typical brown-nosey answer to the question “What’s your greatest weakness?’

They know how to say “I can be hard on myself at times” or “I’m perfectionist, and sometimes I expect other people around me to share my high standards” and more rot of the same ilk.

Here in the U.S. our forefathers and -mothers were Puritans. They were religious fanatics. They followed harsh and self-denying practices and a lifestyle that wouldn’t get many adherents today. They burned a Quaker woman at the stake because she wouldn’t convert. There’s a statue of Mary Dyer, the martyred Quaker, in downtown Boston.

Who kills a Quaker person? That’s beyond extreme. They also put on the Salem Witch trials. Let’s look honestly at the origin of our fixation with weaknesses. We have deep roots in a cultural history that tells us that we are defective and in need of much work to be okay. That’s ridiculous.

We are perfect and whole right now. We came to this planet to do our work and we are equipped to do it. We don’t have weaknesses. Do you look at a newborn baby and say “Gee, I wish we could get some advance word on his weaknesses.”? No! We think of a baby as whole and amazing. Why would we think that an adult has any more weaknesses than an infant?

When I mention to groups that the idea of weaknesses itself is a control mechanism, someone often says “But isn’t every person trying to get better at something?”

I don’t know whether every person is working on something in his or her life, but I hope that when we’re working to get stronger at something, it’s because we want to.

It’s not because we feel we’re defective the way we are right now.

When you’re asked the question “What’s your greatest weakness?” you can give the standard sheepie job seeker answer, like the ones I mentioned above. If you’re feeling your mojo, you can shift the frame. You can say

“That’s a great question. I used to worry about things that I don’t naturally do well. I used to read books and take classes. Over time I realized that I’m here on earth to do certain things that I’m good at, and not to invest my time and energy getting better at things that millions of people do better than I do. I should focus on my strengths, like building databases and using Excel. So, these days I focus more on building on strengths and don’t think about weaknesses.”

You have no weaknesses, you are more than qualified to do any number of jobs that employers desperately need to have done, and the sooner you start valuing yourself, the sooner other people will value you.


- by Liz Ryan, writing for Forbes (found via

look what I found in my inbox today

Oct 1 '14


*whispers into the night* someone needs to write a fic where Cecil gets all sexually flustered by Carlos’ badboy behavior like eating toast, believing in mountains,and using pens

Sep 23 '14
Wow! This is beautiful!

Wow! This is beautiful!

(Source: ilfascinodelvago)

Sep 23 '14


Today the Department of Unexpected Interspecies Friendship brings us the awesome story of ‘Bubbles’ the 32-year-old African elephant and ‘Bella’ the 3-year-old black Labrador. They’re best friends and they live together at The Institute of Greatly Endangered and Rare Species, also known as Myrtle Beach Safari, a wildlife park in South Carolina.

Bubbles was rescued when she was still a baby, orphaned after her parents were killed by poachers for their tusks. She was flown to the US along with a few other elephant orphans where there were facilities ready to care for them.

One of Bella and Bubbles’ favourite games to play is play catch. Bubbles uses her trunk to throw a ball for Bella. When they’re in the water together, Bubbles throws the ball and Bella leaps off her perch atop Bubbles’ head to dive in and retrieve it. Bubbles also likes to play keep-away with the ball and Bella because Bella can only leap about as high as her friend’s knees.

Photos by Barry Bland.

[via Design Taxi and]

Sep 23 '14


It’s bisexual awareness week

So, for this week at least, I’m gonna be bi rather than “mostly gay” or w/e, in solidarity.

(It sucks to be afraid of claiming an identity you have every right to. :S)